Spilling my Heart

Have you ever felt torn between things? Like you love both, and you want to do both things, or be in both places at once? That's how I have felt these past few days. Even before going into this summer, I knew it was inevitable; I was going to miss GSF and Uganda so much and not want to come home. But what I didn't expect was to feel torn. I genuinely want to be home, and I genuinely want to be here. I didn't expect to want to be at home at all, but I do. I feel like part of my heart is there, and it is. I have so many people that I love back home, and I know that my ministry is not yet finished at school and at church. That's why these last days are so difficult for me.. I want to go home, but I feel bad for wanting to be home when I have had such an amazing summer. I want to be here and I don't want to leave these precious children.  My head and heart are BEYOND confused right now..

I also am struggling with the whole "called" thing. I know that I am called to be a disciple of Jesus and I will always do His work, that's not the issue. The issue is where. So many people know exactly where they want to be in life, and they go. Some people are called to Africa, and they feel incomplete when they think of living somewhere else. Some people are called to America, and feel led to stay and minister there. I have never felt that specific call to a place. I have always wanted it, but just never had it. I love the whole world, and I can't pick a place over all the others. I love being in the States because I feel like there is so much ministering needed there, but I also love living overseas and experiencing other cultures. So... What am I supposed to do?

Like I said, my head and heart are confused right now.

Over and over again, I am encouraged to just walk with Christ and not worry about where and when He is going to send me. He has it all planned out, and knows exactly what my life will look like in a year, or 5 years, or 10 years, and even 50 years. I don't have to worry (even though I probably will- worrying is my worst habit) because God has me in His hands. That's a nice place to be.

I am trying to use these last 10 days in Uganda as a reflection on who I am as a Christ-follower. Am I looking at the world thinking I can change it, or am I relying on Jesus and knowing that everything is His doing, not mine? Am I really loving others around me, or am I just being kind because I want to win their approval? Am I depending on Christ and His word for my daily satisfaction? The answer isn't always positive to these questions; I am a total failure sometimes.. Okay, most of the time. But I am reminded everyday of these words...

"I am a sinner. If it's not one thing it's another, caught up in words, tangled in lies. You are The Savior and you take brokenness aside, and make it beautiful." -Brokenness Aside by All Sons and Daughters

"Your love is better than life."

I use to think of myself as a pretty patient person. I’m flexible in difficult situations, I’m pretty easygoing. Africa has taught me –well, Jesus has- but through Africa, He has taught me that I am not a patient person, and anytime I need patience, it isn’t going to come from me but only from Him.

It was after lunch on a Sunday afternoon, and I had just taken a shower. Usually on  Sunday afternoons we (all the kids and us) all pack into the living room of House 4A and watch a movie. I sit on the floor because the backless benches hurt my back after half an hour, even though the floor isn’t much more comfortable. I sit down, and 3 kids are already laying on me, smelly from playing outside. So by this point, I’m already thinking about how I wasted the shower I just took, which as a side note, was a cold shower. Next thing I know, I have been drooled on for an hour, sneezed on, had my hair pulled, and my back hurts from sitting hunched over on the floor. I was starting to get really annoyed, I mean like really, and I wanted to leave the room. I think I even told myself that I was going to leave if Matthew drooled on me again.

Then, I heard Jesus voice, even in the midst of this now humorous situation. “You have been trying to love these children, these people, this place, with your own love. This is impossible. Only through me can you love them, and that goes for the people back home too.” I was completely struck by this.

Too often I try to love through my own power and strength, and it is impossible. This seems to be a reoccurring thing God is teaching me, so I want to repeat it for you to hear too. You may already have this lesson down, God doesn’t teach us all the same lesson at the same time, but I need to hear it. I need to read it. I need to say it, again. And again. And probably again.

I can do nothing apart from Christ.

Especially love. God is love, so how could we love without Him?

I just finished reading “The Hiding Place” by Corrie Ten Boom. As I was reading it, God showed me this lesson of love. Corrie was so impacted by her sister Betsie’s love and immediate thoughts of Jesus and other people before herself. It turned their nightmare Holocaust experience into a deepening relationship with Jesus Christ. I had read a verse Sunday morning that was just completely random, but as I finished “The Hiding Place”, I realized that it went so well with what I was reading and learning.

Psalm 119:87-88

            “They have almost made an end of me on earth, but I have not forsaken your precepts. In your steadfast love give me life, that I may keep the testimonies of your mouth.”

Now, the drool, the sneezes, and the smell are nothing in comparison to what David was experiencing in this chapter, and they are nothing in comparison to what Corrie and Betsie experienced, but it’s the same lesson. Corrie says in one of the last chapters that she had to learn that no transformation and no strength could come from her, but only from God. And when she needed the power to forgive her persecutors, she couldn’t do it. It had to come from God. She said, “And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.”

The only way I can glorify God is through forgetting myself and loving His way. God promises us that He will lift us up and make us powerful, but we have to trust in Him first.

God’s love is powerful, let it fill you and drive you in whatever you do in life.

1 John 4:7-8

            “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

John 13:34-35

            “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

John 15:5

            “I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, it is he that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”

Philippians 4:19

            “And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”

It's not about me.

It’s cool how God can teach us things through circumstances in our life, when we aren’t expecting it. Those are my favorite.

I got to help at the monthly feeding program for the elderly at GSF yesterday. They have a weekly feeding program for mothers and their babies, and one every month for the elderly in the surrounding villages. I wasn’t expecting to get to do a lot, but I was handed a cup and told to scoop two cups full of the sugar that was in front of me, and pour it into each person’s bag. Not difficult, right? Well, this was one of those times when God wanted to teach me something and I was not prepared.

I was on my knees scooping the sugar, and the first person who passed through was a little old woman who looked like she could barely walk. They scooped her beans, and then it was my turn. She looked at me after I scooped her sugar and she said thank you, thank you and took my hand. I said your welcome (in my probably heavy accented and broken Luganda) and I had tears in my eyes when I looked at her. It was the same with every person after that. Thank you, thank you. Your welcome. Tears.

Each of these people walked (which isn’t a short distance, especially when your 70 years old), all the way to GSF for some beans, sugar, salt, posho flour, soap, and matches. Compared to my family’s shopping cart back home during the week, it was nothing. I wanted to keep scooping, to give them each more and more, but I knew everyone needed it and there wouldn’t be enough. Each time they said thank you, I wanted to say, “Don’t thank me, I’m just scooping sugar. I am no one important.” But I just said your welcome, and they continued to thank me, and thank me some more.

Now I know it is cliché to some people to learn gratefulness on a mission trip. I use to think, “Duh, of course you’re going to learn gratefulness. America=abundance. A lot of the world=not enough to live on.” And I saw that lesson as a cliché lesson too. But I think we forget sometimes how crucial that lesson is for each of our lives. I am blessed in the situation that I grew up in and that I now live in. I have everything I need, and I take it for granted. I tend to look at my being blessed, and think to myself, “What a great life. I did good.” But when did I ever do anything that caused me to be blessed? I didn’t. That’s the answer. God did.

I will always wonder why God put certain people in difficult living situations, and why I am in such a good one. But what I never want to forget or not realize is that every good thing I have or will ever have, and every good thing I do or will ever do, comes from God. I can do nothing, I can be nothing, I can have nothing without Him.

That’s the unexpected lesson that I learned through scooping sugar. I tried to show a little love, just by scooping sugar, and the little old woman was more than grateful. God shows us his love 100 times more than just a scoop- He pours out His love on us, like pouring the entire bag of sugar, and we walk away thinking, “What a good job I am doing in this life.”

I’ve said it before, and I will say it again. This life is not about me. It’s not about you. It’s not about any of us. It is about Jesus, and coming to Him as our broken, real selves, and being made new everyday.

John 15:4-5

"Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit bu itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, it is he that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."

Fatherless.

The word “fatherless” has come up a lot in my life lately. As you already know, I am interning at a children’s home, where many kids are fatherless, so obviously I am going to hear it a lot. I overhear it in conversations, I mention it in conversations, I have heard sermons on it, and I hear children talk about how they do not know their father or their father “refused”them, as they would say.

Think about that word for a moment… What does it mean to be fatherless? For me, it means not having that special bond with the man who gave you physical life on this earth. It means wondering who that man is, what he is doing, if he is thinking about you, or if he is even alive. There are kids at GSF who ask these questions everyday, and I know there are kids and adults all over the world who ask those same questions. 8 year olds, 18 year olds, 26 year olds, and 46 year olds; Everywhere in the world there is someone of every age who is fatherless. Well, God leaves the word fatherless all over his Word; Deuteronomy 10:18 says that God “executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing.” Deuteronomy 24:19 says to not keep everything you have for yourself, but to help the sojourner, fatherless, and the widows. Psalm 68:5 says that God is “Father of the fatherless and protector of widows,” and Psalm 146:9 says that “The Lord watches over the sojourners; he upholds the widow and the fatherless...” These are just a few examples.

I think God uses the specific word fatherless because he knows that the father is such an important role in a person’s life. Not that the mother isn’t important; the relationship with the mother is crucial, but we see something different in the role of the father. God is mentioned as a father many times in the Bible. First, he created everything and everyone; second, it mentions him as father to his children. The people who believe in him and put their salvation in him, he is their father. God isn’t just their father either, but their ultimate father. I believe this is why the role of the earthly father is so important; it is supposed to demonstrate our relationship with our heavenly father.

For children like those here at GSF, it is hard to understand God’s love, because of the way their father treated them, or because he died. “My father left me, so why should I trust another Father who says he will never leave? How can I expect someone to love me that much, love me enough to die for me? My father died, how will I know that Jesus is never truly going to leave?” I struggle so much with this, because no child should ever have to ask those questions, and it leads me to brokenness and thankfulness.

I am especially thankful this summer for my earthly father. All of the things I see and hear about the word fatherless make me appreciate my dad even more. I am blessed beyond what I can express, and most of the time I take that for granted. I am also thankful for God teaching me everyday that I ultimately cannot be dependent on even my earthly father, but I must be dependent on Him. God’s grace and love are more powerful than anything my dad can show me. However, I am thankful for the Godly example of love and grace that my father tries to show everyday to me and everyone around him, and I desperately wish that every child could experience that.e

No one is truly fatherless. God is our father, if we believe in him and trust in him. In this I have hope. When people hurting makes me cry and feel hopeless, I have hope. All because of Jesus, I have hope.