And I bet you are too, single girl. I think maybe, sometimes, you even dwell on it, just hopefully not all the time. You sit alone, soak in the good's and bad's, cry, laugh, eat, and run, allll while thinking about this one thing about you. This one thing that doesn't define you, but often times, the world makes it feel like it does. But it doesn't define you. And you know that, too, deep down inside.
Maybe you've had boyfriends before. Maybe you've had lots, and you just feel like now is not the time to do that. You want to focus on other things, like: paying bills, keeping up with friends, cleaning your apartment, transitioning your wardrobe from college student to professional, working, learning; you know, all the important stuff.
Maybe you've gone on dates with a few different guys, but you never felt like there could be something more with any of them. And maybe that has turned you off to dating in general.
Maybe you had a really bad experience with a serious boyfriend, and you're afraid that if you dated again, it might turn out the same way. Maybe you don't trust your own judgment, sometimes.
Or, maybe you're like me and just honestly have no clue. About any of it. You've never had a boyfriend, so you don't even know what that's like, and it kind of freaks you out to even think about the possibility. You know you're a pretty normal, easy-going person, and you aren't totally sure why you haven't had a boyfriend yet, but you're almost thankful because, like I said, it freaks you out a bit.
However... This post isn't for you, friend. I love to write to you; I want to laugh and cry with you; I want to hug you, talk with you, eat with you, and hear your story. But, I felt at this moment, that you aren't who I need to address. The people you are surrounding yourself with, that's who need to hear this.
Dear friends/family/acquaintances/Facebook friends/whoever else,
This one's for you.
These girls know they're single, but do you know that they know?(cue "Friends" scene here) Do you really acknowledge that the single girls in your life know that they are single? That they are aware of this part of their life?
They don't need you to tell them that it's going to be okay. They don't need you to tell them that "they will find a man someday." They don't want you to say "I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend. I really don't understand it, you are the coolest." (That one is a personal favorite. Contrary to popular belief, it's not encouraging.) They probably don't even want you to say "Well, I'm praying that you will find a Godly man! I just want you to be happy!" Gasp! Could it be that they are already happy, and finding a Godly man wouldn't necessarily make them happier at this point in their life? Btdubs, these are all real things people have said. Either to me, or my friends. Fo real.
Seriously though, too many times, I am disappointed in the way I hear families and friends talk to and about the single girls in their lives.
Although I don't think I have to deal with this as much as others I've spoken with, occasionally I will hear: "So, Ashley, have you found a man yet? Are there any guys where you live? Are you looking? Are you trying to look?".................And the list goes on and on. My sister, who is also single, told me about a time when she felt bombarded by questions. When I spoke with her later about it, she said this, "I just don't want people to see it as a negative thing. I am happy with how my life is right now, and yeah it's hard sometimes, but I like where I'm at and I want everyone else to understand that."
It's my belief that what Hillary was expressing was the right way to view her singleness. This may not be the way a lot of single girls feel, but constantly questioning them like that is not going to get them to that point of contentment. Single girls are going to continue to question this time in their life, just like you are questioning it for them. It won't help them; it will only hurt.
This observation of mine is not at all meant to hurt you, or be hateful. I don't believe that anyone is discouraging single girls on purpose, or asking them questions with the intent of hurting them. I truly believe that you are being thoughtful and wanting to encourage, wanting to help, and maybe wanting to offer free advice. And honestly, I don't blame you. Our culture places such high value on having a significant other, and even I get caught up in that. (Like seriously, 15 yr olds are getting promise rings and saying I love you, and it bothers me. I get JEALOUS of 15 yr olds. Ugh.) The point is, sometimes your "helping" is actually hurting.
So what can you do, you ask? I'll tell ya. You can ask that single girl about things other than her singleness. Ask her about what Jesus is teaching her. (If she doesn't know Jesus, that's her first problem and you should start there, just FYI.) Ask her about work, about school, about what she is learning, loving, reading, and watching. Ask her about her friends, ask her about her dreams, goals, and plans.
Maybe then, she will tell you her story of singleness, of lost love, of times of loneliness, of how she is learning through the situation. You will then be prepared to pray for her specifically, in ways you couldn't if you had just tried to question her.
My prayer is this: Before you jump to conclusions about why a girl is single (sometimes there just really aren't any prospects and she tries and it just doesn't work but it's okay because it doesn't matter right now she is only 23 YEARS OLD. Ahem ;)), talk to her. Talk to her. Don't talk at her. Listen before you advise. Maybe you can both learn something from each other in the process.
They don't need you to tell them that it's going to be okay. They don't need you to tell them that "they will find a man someday." They don't want you to say "I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend. I really don't understand it, you are the coolest." (That one is a personal favorite. Contrary to popular belief, it's not encouraging.) They probably don't even want you to say "Well, I'm praying that you will find a Godly man! I just want you to be happy!" Gasp! Could it be that they are already happy, and finding a Godly man wouldn't necessarily make them happier at this point in their life? Btdubs, these are all real things people have said. Either to me, or my friends. Fo real.
Seriously though, too many times, I am disappointed in the way I hear families and friends talk to and about the single girls in their lives.
Although I don't think I have to deal with this as much as others I've spoken with, occasionally I will hear: "So, Ashley, have you found a man yet? Are there any guys where you live? Are you looking? Are you trying to look?".................And the list goes on and on. My sister, who is also single, told me about a time when she felt bombarded by questions. When I spoke with her later about it, she said this, "I just don't want people to see it as a negative thing. I am happy with how my life is right now, and yeah it's hard sometimes, but I like where I'm at and I want everyone else to understand that."
It's my belief that what Hillary was expressing was the right way to view her singleness. This may not be the way a lot of single girls feel, but constantly questioning them like that is not going to get them to that point of contentment. Single girls are going to continue to question this time in their life, just like you are questioning it for them. It won't help them; it will only hurt.
This observation of mine is not at all meant to hurt you, or be hateful. I don't believe that anyone is discouraging single girls on purpose, or asking them questions with the intent of hurting them. I truly believe that you are being thoughtful and wanting to encourage, wanting to help, and maybe wanting to offer free advice. And honestly, I don't blame you. Our culture places such high value on having a significant other, and even I get caught up in that. (Like seriously, 15 yr olds are getting promise rings and saying I love you, and it bothers me. I get JEALOUS of 15 yr olds. Ugh.) The point is, sometimes your "helping" is actually hurting.
So what can you do, you ask? I'll tell ya. You can ask that single girl about things other than her singleness. Ask her about what Jesus is teaching her. (If she doesn't know Jesus, that's her first problem and you should start there, just FYI.) Ask her about work, about school, about what she is learning, loving, reading, and watching. Ask her about her friends, ask her about her dreams, goals, and plans.
Maybe then, she will tell you her story of singleness, of lost love, of times of loneliness, of how she is learning through the situation. You will then be prepared to pray for her specifically, in ways you couldn't if you had just tried to question her.
My prayer is this: Before you jump to conclusions about why a girl is single (sometimes there just really aren't any prospects and she tries and it just doesn't work but it's okay because it doesn't matter right now she is only 23 YEARS OLD. Ahem ;)), talk to her. Talk to her. Don't talk at her. Listen before you advise. Maybe you can both learn something from each other in the process.
With love,
Ashley
