You'll thank me later.

Here's the thing: I've been single for a long time. 23 years, to be exact (I mean, can we really count ages 0 to 15? No. I don't think so. But you get the point). I am fully aware of this fact about me. I know that I have been on exactly 2 dates in my entire life. I know that I'm not getting any younger. I know that there aren't many boyfriend possibilities in the place that I choose to live. I am aware of all these things.

And I bet you are too, single girl. I think maybe, sometimes, you even dwell on it, just hopefully not all the time. You sit alone, soak in the good's and bad's, cry, laugh, eat, and run, allll while thinking about this one thing about you. This one thing that doesn't define you, but often times, the world makes it feel like it does. But it doesn't define you. And you know that, too, deep down inside.

Maybe you've had boyfriends before. Maybe you've had lots, and you just feel like now is not the time to do that. You want to focus on other things, like: paying bills, keeping up with friends, cleaning your apartment, transitioning your wardrobe from college student to professional, working, learning; you know, all the important stuff.

Maybe you've gone on dates with a few different guys, but you never felt like there could be something more with any of them. And maybe that has turned you off to dating in general.

Maybe you had a really bad experience with a serious boyfriend, and you're afraid that if you dated again, it might turn out the same way. Maybe you don't trust your own judgment, sometimes.

Or, maybe you're like me and just honestly have no clue. About any of it. You've never had a boyfriend, so you don't even know what that's like, and it kind of freaks you out to even think about the possibility. You know you're a pretty normal, easy-going person, and you aren't totally sure why you haven't had a boyfriend yet, but you're almost thankful because, like I said, it freaks you out a bit. 

However... This post isn't for you, friend. I love to write to you; I want to laugh and cry with you; I want to hug you, talk with you, eat with you, and hear your story. But, I felt at this moment, that you aren't who I need to address. The people you are surrounding yourself with, that's who need to hear this. 

Dear friends/family/acquaintances/Facebook friends/whoever else,

This one's for you. 

These girls know they're single, but do you know that they know?(cue "Friends" scene here) Do you really acknowledge that the single girls in your life know that they are single? That they are aware of this part of their life?

They don't need you to tell them that it's going to be okay. They don't need you to tell them that "they will find a man someday." They don't want you to say "I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend. I really don't understand it, you are the coolest." (That one is a personal favorite. Contrary to popular belief, it's not encouraging.) They probably don't even want you to say "Well, I'm praying that you will find a Godly man! I just want you to be happy!" Gasp! Could it be that they are already happy, and finding a Godly man wouldn't necessarily make them happier at this point in their life? Btdubs, these are all real things people have said. Either to me, or my friends. Fo real.

Seriously though, too many times, I am disappointed in the way I hear families and friends talk to and about the single girls in their lives.

Although I don't think I have to deal with this as much as others I've spoken with, occasionally I will hear: "So, Ashley, have you found a man yet? Are there any guys where you live? Are you looking? Are you trying to look?".................And the list goes on and on. My sister, who is also single, told me about a time when she felt bombarded by questions. When I spoke with her later about it, she said this, "I just don't want people to see it as a negative thing. I am happy with how my life is right now, and yeah it's hard sometimes, but I like where I'm at and I want everyone else to understand that."

It's my belief that what Hillary was expressing was the right way to view her singleness. This may not be the way a lot of single girls feel, but constantly questioning them like that is not going to get them to that point of contentment. Single girls are going to continue to question this time in their life, just like you are questioning it for them. It won't help them; it will only hurt.

This observation of mine is not at all meant to hurt you, or be hateful. I don't believe that anyone is discouraging single girls on purpose, or asking them questions with the intent of hurting them. I truly believe that you are being thoughtful and wanting to encourage, wanting to help, and maybe wanting to offer free advice. And honestly, I don't blame you. Our culture places such high value on having a significant other, and even I get caught up in that. (Like seriously, 15 yr olds are getting promise rings and saying I love you, and it bothers me. I get JEALOUS of 15 yr olds. Ugh.) The point is, sometimes your "helping" is actually hurting.

So what can you do, you ask? I'll tell ya. You can ask that single girl about things other than her singleness. Ask her about what Jesus is teaching her. (If she doesn't know Jesus, that's her first problem and you should start there, just FYI.) Ask her about work, about school, about what she is learning, loving, reading, and watching. Ask her about her friends, ask her about her dreams, goals, and plans.

Maybe then, she will tell you her story of singleness, of lost love, of times of loneliness, of how she is learning through the situation. You will then be prepared to pray for her specifically, in ways you couldn't if you had just tried to question her.

My prayer is this: Before you jump to conclusions about why a girl is single (sometimes there just really aren't any prospects and she tries and it just doesn't work but it's okay because it doesn't matter right now she is only 23 YEARS OLD. Ahem ;)), talk to her. Talk to her. Don't talk at her. Listen before you advise. Maybe you can both learn something from each other in the process. 

With love,
     Ashley

Hey high school girl, this is for you.

Working in Admissions gives me the oppurtunity to sit in high school cafeterias, almost every week, and relive what it was like. -sidenote- I love love love my job. These are just thoughts that get brought to my attention while doing said job.

The cafeteria. It's what sticks out to me when I think of high school. I dreaded even thinking about what I was going to have to endure when I walked into the cafeteria. It was the year that my family moved back to the US, and the twin and I started at public school, in the 11th grade. I had a different lunch than my sister, and second semester, I was in a class with all freshmen (perks of having to take Mississippi Studies as a junior). I didn't have many friends at school to begin with, but that second semester? Whew. I had none in lunch with me. I sat at a table with the "weird kids," which wouldn't have been so bad, but they didn't talk to me either. I ate by myself most days. I brought a book sometimes. I even.. I'm ashamed to admit this.. I ate in the bathroom atleast twice. Total Mean Girls style. Yes, it's very sad. You can cry now.

.................................................

Finished? Okay good. Now this post isn't to dwell on my sad life my junior year of high school; I am confident in myself now and who I am. I don't even know that girl who didn't know how to make friends (I mean really?! What was I doing??). She is far removed from me, most of the time. I still have a hard time eating alone. Whatever. Anyways... I'm not writing to talk about my new found confidence either. I'm writing to high school girls everywhere ( I guess this can apply to boys too, but I don't understand you as much, so.. Good luck with that). So, if you're reading this and you're a high school girl, please keep reading. Or don't. I'm gonna give you some advice, and it might be dumb, but I feel like I need to say it. Here goes.

1. What you wear is not important. I know, I know. I like cool things too. When everyone around me had Chacos, I had to get some too. I used the fact that I was going to Uganda as an excuse to get them, and I got em. And yes, I really really want a pair of lace up boots too. You know, the cute ones that you can wear with wool socks and your skinnies?? SO COOL. I also totally want one of those cute little backpacks that look like you're going on an adventure. Absolutely no back support, but so adorable. I know all these things seem so important right now, and I don't think it's bad to want cute stuff. However, if you find yourself becoming jealous or envious of girls' things that you don't have, you have a problem. Getting upset over those cute lace up boots isn't worth it, and they're probably going to be out of style by next winter. Then what are you gonna do? Have to get the next thing, that's what. No. Stop. Focus on things that aren't temporary: friends, family, the ACT (I promise, it matters more than most things).. the list goes on and on.

2. If you don't take a picture of you and your friend hanging out, did it really happen? Yes, yes it did. Don't use every moment as an oppurtunity for your insta followers to see what you did, or what you wore, or who you were with. Just enjoy the time you have with your friend. You could be wasting important time by posting that insta or sending that tweet. It can wait. Or it can just not happen. That too. Hear me out, I'm not trying to be that weirdo person who hates social media. I LOVE IT. More than you, probably. And I know that's what instagram is for, to let people know what you're doing. But every moment? No. And I know that I have wasted time with my friends by browsing twitter or facebook instead of actually talking to them or listening to them. And I hate that I do that. I'm trying to be better at just being with people. You should try it too.

3. I know it may seem super cool to be the girl who only hangs out with guys. I agree with you, it seems super cool and I always wished I was you. But you know what? Girls need girls. I have great guy friends and I'm so thankful for them, but if I was with them all the time and didn't have my gal pals, I would completely go insane. Just no. And I know you must feel that way too. Boys are exhausting and don't really understand everything you're going through right now. Other girls do. If you don't have any gal pals, go get some. Seriously. This is not a drill.

4. Being mean never looked good on anyone. It's so easy to be mean now that we have texting, twitter, screenshotting, etc.. You can say anything to anyone that you would never dream of saying to their face, and you don't have to worry about how it hurt them. You can't see them. You can't see how they react. And contrary to popular opinion, words CAN hurt you. A lot. It hurts when someone makes fun of the way you dress. It hurts when someone talks about you behind your back. And it's embarrassing.
I don't care if all your friends talk about is other people. Don't join them. Find new friends.

5. Read your Bible. Yeah yeah yeah, I said it. But it's the truth. I barely picked up my Bible in high school, and I think a lot of my problems could have been solved if instead of complaining to God about how much my life sucked, I just read what he had already written to me. I can't stress this enough. It doesn't have to become a thing that you do simply because you have to. God knows your heart even before you bare it all to Him. He doesn't need your permission to know your life story; He knows it whether you like it or not. I think He just wants you to want Him in on the whole thing.

If all of this sounds typical, it's cause it is. Lots of people have said these things before me, and I'm sure lots more people will say them later. And if you don't think any of this applies to you, then great. You get an A+.


Oh, and one more thing. If you happen to be in your schools' cafeteria tomorrow, and someone is eating alone, invite them to sit with you. I promise they won't think you're weird. They will definitely be super embarassed and may even say no because they want you to think that they don't mind eating alone, but it doesn't hurt to ask.

-Ashley