WBC New York Mission Trip

I've struggled with what words to choose to tell you about New York. It seemed like a whirlwind when we first arrived back in Arkansas and all I could think (in between minute intervals of sleep, of course) on the drive from Little Rock back to Williams was "Were we REALLY just in NYC?!"

How on earth did that happen so fast? So much happened, and now that we are a couple of weeks removed, I have had time to reflect on what we experienced, learned, and came away changed by. I know each student could give you a different perspective, so I really encourage you to seek them out and ask about their experience.. I know they would love to tell you about it, and they have some really cool stories.

First of all, I know what you're all thinking... "I only saw you post pictures of fun things you did. Did you really do any work at all?"Yes, yes we did. I realize that on social media, it might look like we went on vacation. And we did sight see. A lot. I credit that to my totally great planning skills. HA. That was a joke. But really, we did serve, and these students served SO well. I'm a proud mom for sure. 

P.S. (I'm going to skip talking about our touristy stuff... You can go to the hashtag #WBCNYC15 on Facebook or Instagram and see our fun stuff.)

Friday, March 20th (Travel Day)

To begin this, I just want to point out that being the inexperienced public transport traveler that I am, and the #1 tourist in the entire world, made for a really great combo. If you would like to hear any of our funny traveling stories or hardships, hit me up. We have plenty.
All I will say about our first day traveling are these things: Delta tricked us into thinking our checked bags would be free. Thanks, Delta. Our flight was delayed because of SNOW in New York, which is magical but it was COLD. We got to NYC at around 1 AM, took a hour and a half shuttle/subway ride to Chinatown, and walked about 15 minutes to our housing (complete with rats... my favorite part). Went to sleep around 3:30 AM. :)

Sunday, March 22nd

Got lost on the subway, walked half an hour to Reedeemer Presbyterian, Tim Keller was NOT there (minor setback :( ), ate lunch, walked around Central Park and Upper Manhattan. and met up with Raleigh, our leader for the week. We ended up on the same subway car as him, and I didn't recognize him. He proceeded to help us until we got outside the subway station, in which he told us who he was and that he wanted to see how we treated a stranger on the subway. A real trickster, that one. We passed the test, by the way! Raleigh explained to us what we would be doing for the week, which was working with different organizations in NY that fight human trafficking (in more words and more awesome than how I just put it). We went to Whole Foods for groceries, which was just a hilarious and wonderful experience all in itself. 

Okay, can't forget to mention Lucky's Burgers. If you go to NY, go to Chinatown and eat this. You will never regret it.

Monday, March 23rd 

Our first day! We met up with Raleigh that morning to get more detailed instructions for the day, and to have our devotion. Our instructions were to split up into two teams, prayer walk, hang up signs, and take notes about different areas of Chinatown. We were specifically studying/praying for the Asian massage parlors in Chinatown. Many of these massage parlors are brothels in disguise. We were to pray, and look out for signs that these places could actually be brothels. There were certain things to look for, so we took notes about each place. Some looked less sketchy than others, but there were some that were literally a door, a camera, and a buzzer, All I can say is that the people that are working in these establishments need your prayers. If you can't do anything else, pray that justice would come for these women and men bonded in slavery. 

We hung up Chinese signs in businesses around the massage parlors, basically for awareness of human trafficking. We were rejected some, but others let us hang them up. 

A challenge we had for the day was to eat lunch for under $5. It was easier than we thought, but not for reasons that we knew of until later. A lot of the commerce in Chinatown is so cheap because of human trafficking; everyone raves about the great prices, but it's cheap because labor is cheap. A lot of what is made is made by women and men in slavery. That is basically why much of the food and souvenirs are so cheap there.  

All in all, it was a tough day for me. Prior to this trip, I knew that human trafficking was happening, even in the U.S., but the reality of it was still tough.

Tuesday, March 24th

This day, we prayer walked through the 3 largest train stations in NYC: Port Authority, Penn, and Grand Central. All are hubs for girls coming into trafficking, so we prayer walked and hung up English signs in businesses near the train stations. This was a difficult task for the day, because it seemed, at times, that we weren't doing much of anything. We were feeling pretty discouraged, but Raleigh reminded us that night at our debrief that sometimes, we don't get to see the fruit of our work. Sometimes our purpose is to do the work, and we may not know the outcome right then. But, every step is important in the journey.
Our challenge for this day was to eat ALL fair trade items. This one was tough, but felt so rewarding. All the items we consumed for lunch/snacks were fair trade, which means that slavery was not a part of these products being made. We were also challenged that night to figure out our slavery footprint. You should do it too! It's really eye-opening to all the things we purchase and don't know where they come from. (www.slaveryfootprint.org)

***I should add that Raleigh had us take water bottles and cereal bars everywhere we went, even on our touristy days. Anytime we came in contact with a homeless person, a couple of us were to offer them a cereal bar and a water, and they were to sit down and eat with them. We prayed for them and gave them a map of free meals offered in NYC. Guys, the students did SO amazing with this. If you had a child on this trip, you need to be PROUD. They were each so caring and considerate. I am apparently horrible at noticing homeless people, because almost every time they pointed someone out, I hadn't seen them. Great leader skills, as you can see. Anyways, I was so proud that they had no hesitation when it came to doing this. It made for some really humbling, awesome experiences. Brag session over.***

Wednesday, March 25th

This day was very cool. We worked with a organization called New York City Relief, and their specific ministry, The Relief Bus (http://www.reliefbus.org/). They feed the homeless every week, in different areas of NYC. We got to help serve bread, soup, and drinks, along with first-aid and toiletry items to the homeless. We talked, laughed, prayed, and learned from these sweet people who live on the streets of NY. One couple shared with me that they had been living in a tiny storage unit for the last few weeks, having to obviously hide from the storage unit owners. What was even more remarkable to me was the love these two had for each other. They had been married only a short while, but were the most in love people I have ever met. And it wasn't a mushy gushy love either. They straight up LOVED each other. They cared for and watched out for each other. He said that colors were brighter now that she was around. I told them I had never felt that way about someone, and she said "Ashley, it'll happen. Never settle for someone who doesn't make your world better. Wait for it, cause it's worth it." If you know me, you can guess that I started crying at this point. She let me help her sew her bag, and I never saw them again. I won't forget em, though.

Thursday, March 26th

Our last day working with Justice Ministries! We got to serve at an after-school program called Operation Exodus, in Washington Heights. Most of the kids there have grown up in either really bad home situations, or really bad neighborhoods. This program gives them a place to be after school. We helped cook food, tutored the kids, hung out with them for a bit, and we got to share with them about Williams (through PowerPoint, which was just a win-win for everyone). They had lots of questions, and I know our WBC students really enjoyed hanging out with them.
Raleigh reminded us that night at our debrief that the reason these kids are susceptible to human trafficking is because they are vulnerable. They have had to grow up so fast, and many of them are easily swayed or convinced of things. The work that Operation Exodus is doing (https://www.facebook.com/operationexodus) is seriously awesome.


As we ended the day in our final debriefing session, I began to think about how these students, and myself included, could continue fighting human trafficking. Although I know that sketchy things go on here in Northeast Arkansas, it's not a bustling area with lots of public homelessness or prostitution, to only name a couple of things. I realize that there are lots and lots of needy people in NEA, but it's different. There aren't brothels on every street, there aren't subway stations with homeless people in each corner, and there aren't people being thrown into slavery every day. It's different. So how could we keep fighting human trafficking where we were at?

Raleigh kept saying all week that Jesus stood up for the vulnerable. The poor, the needy, the hurt, the downcast, the vulnerable. Jesus loved them, and that is our example. And that last day was when I finally understood. No matter where you are in life, there will be vulnerable people. Here in NEA, there are lots of poor people. Lots of people mixed up in drugs. Lots of kids who need families. Not all of them may be at risk for human trafficking specifically, but what if they are? By caring for the vulnerable, we fight human trafficking.

Who knows? There may be a girl who turns to prostitution because she has no where else to go, and IF she had been adopted or put into a good foster home, she may not have gone down that path. Who knows? What about the man who has been making his girlfriend have sex with his friends for money? Maybe if he had a mentor growing up that poured into him, made him feel like he could accomplish great things, and opened his eyes to opportunity, maybe he wouldn't have turned to trafficking. These are hypothetical, but are completely possible and could happen even here, in Northeast Arkansas.

The point is this: As Christians, we are called to care for the vulnerable. It may look different depending on where you live, or what job you have, or what your family situation is, but it is our calling. Pray that God would give you encounters with vulnerable people, and pray that he would give you wisdom and understanding to help those people. Look for opportunities to serve in your community, and be open to being just a stepping stone in the journey. You may not always see the end result, but the steps to the destination are just as important as the destination.

"And behold, a lawyer stood up to him to put him to the test, saying, "Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?" He said to him, "What is written in the Law?" How do you read it?" And he answered, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself." And he said to him, "You have answered correctly; do this, and you will live."
But he, desiring to justify himself, said to Jesus, "And who is my neighbor?" Jesus replied, A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among robbers, who stripped him him and beat him and departed, leaving him half dead. Now by chance a priest was going down that road, and when he saw him he passed by on the other side. So likewise a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was, and when he saw him, he had compassion. He went to him and bound up his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he set him on his own animal and brought him to an inn and took care of him. And the next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, 'Take care of him, and whatever more you spend, I will repay you when I come back.' Which of these three, do you think, proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell among the robbers?" He said, "The one who showed him mercy." And Jesus said to him, "You go, and do likewise." Luke 10:25-30


If you would like more information about human trafficking, or if you would like to learn more about ways you can help, visit lmpgexperience.com. It has tons of resources, and is very helpful! You can also visit polarisproject.org and change.org to find out concrete ways you can fight human trafficking: by contacting representatives in your local, state, and national government.

You'll thank me later.

Here's the thing: I've been single for a long time. 23 years, to be exact (I mean, can we really count ages 0 to 15? No. I don't think so. But you get the point). I am fully aware of this fact about me. I know that I have been on exactly 2 dates in my entire life. I know that I'm not getting any younger. I know that there aren't many boyfriend possibilities in the place that I choose to live. I am aware of all these things.

And I bet you are too, single girl. I think maybe, sometimes, you even dwell on it, just hopefully not all the time. You sit alone, soak in the good's and bad's, cry, laugh, eat, and run, allll while thinking about this one thing about you. This one thing that doesn't define you, but often times, the world makes it feel like it does. But it doesn't define you. And you know that, too, deep down inside.

Maybe you've had boyfriends before. Maybe you've had lots, and you just feel like now is not the time to do that. You want to focus on other things, like: paying bills, keeping up with friends, cleaning your apartment, transitioning your wardrobe from college student to professional, working, learning; you know, all the important stuff.

Maybe you've gone on dates with a few different guys, but you never felt like there could be something more with any of them. And maybe that has turned you off to dating in general.

Maybe you had a really bad experience with a serious boyfriend, and you're afraid that if you dated again, it might turn out the same way. Maybe you don't trust your own judgment, sometimes.

Or, maybe you're like me and just honestly have no clue. About any of it. You've never had a boyfriend, so you don't even know what that's like, and it kind of freaks you out to even think about the possibility. You know you're a pretty normal, easy-going person, and you aren't totally sure why you haven't had a boyfriend yet, but you're almost thankful because, like I said, it freaks you out a bit. 

However... This post isn't for you, friend. I love to write to you; I want to laugh and cry with you; I want to hug you, talk with you, eat with you, and hear your story. But, I felt at this moment, that you aren't who I need to address. The people you are surrounding yourself with, that's who need to hear this. 

Dear friends/family/acquaintances/Facebook friends/whoever else,

This one's for you. 

These girls know they're single, but do you know that they know?(cue "Friends" scene here) Do you really acknowledge that the single girls in your life know that they are single? That they are aware of this part of their life?

They don't need you to tell them that it's going to be okay. They don't need you to tell them that "they will find a man someday." They don't want you to say "I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend. I really don't understand it, you are the coolest." (That one is a personal favorite. Contrary to popular belief, it's not encouraging.) They probably don't even want you to say "Well, I'm praying that you will find a Godly man! I just want you to be happy!" Gasp! Could it be that they are already happy, and finding a Godly man wouldn't necessarily make them happier at this point in their life? Btdubs, these are all real things people have said. Either to me, or my friends. Fo real.

Seriously though, too many times, I am disappointed in the way I hear families and friends talk to and about the single girls in their lives.

Although I don't think I have to deal with this as much as others I've spoken with, occasionally I will hear: "So, Ashley, have you found a man yet? Are there any guys where you live? Are you looking? Are you trying to look?".................And the list goes on and on. My sister, who is also single, told me about a time when she felt bombarded by questions. When I spoke with her later about it, she said this, "I just don't want people to see it as a negative thing. I am happy with how my life is right now, and yeah it's hard sometimes, but I like where I'm at and I want everyone else to understand that."

It's my belief that what Hillary was expressing was the right way to view her singleness. This may not be the way a lot of single girls feel, but constantly questioning them like that is not going to get them to that point of contentment. Single girls are going to continue to question this time in their life, just like you are questioning it for them. It won't help them; it will only hurt.

This observation of mine is not at all meant to hurt you, or be hateful. I don't believe that anyone is discouraging single girls on purpose, or asking them questions with the intent of hurting them. I truly believe that you are being thoughtful and wanting to encourage, wanting to help, and maybe wanting to offer free advice. And honestly, I don't blame you. Our culture places such high value on having a significant other, and even I get caught up in that. (Like seriously, 15 yr olds are getting promise rings and saying I love you, and it bothers me. I get JEALOUS of 15 yr olds. Ugh.) The point is, sometimes your "helping" is actually hurting.

So what can you do, you ask? I'll tell ya. You can ask that single girl about things other than her singleness. Ask her about what Jesus is teaching her. (If she doesn't know Jesus, that's her first problem and you should start there, just FYI.) Ask her about work, about school, about what she is learning, loving, reading, and watching. Ask her about her friends, ask her about her dreams, goals, and plans.

Maybe then, she will tell you her story of singleness, of lost love, of times of loneliness, of how she is learning through the situation. You will then be prepared to pray for her specifically, in ways you couldn't if you had just tried to question her.

My prayer is this: Before you jump to conclusions about why a girl is single (sometimes there just really aren't any prospects and she tries and it just doesn't work but it's okay because it doesn't matter right now she is only 23 YEARS OLD. Ahem ;)), talk to her. Talk to her. Don't talk at her. Listen before you advise. Maybe you can both learn something from each other in the process. 

With love,
     Ashley

Hey high school girl, this is for you.

Working in Admissions gives me the oppurtunity to sit in high school cafeterias, almost every week, and relive what it was like. -sidenote- I love love love my job. These are just thoughts that get brought to my attention while doing said job.

The cafeteria. It's what sticks out to me when I think of high school. I dreaded even thinking about what I was going to have to endure when I walked into the cafeteria. It was the year that my family moved back to the US, and the twin and I started at public school, in the 11th grade. I had a different lunch than my sister, and second semester, I was in a class with all freshmen (perks of having to take Mississippi Studies as a junior). I didn't have many friends at school to begin with, but that second semester? Whew. I had none in lunch with me. I sat at a table with the "weird kids," which wouldn't have been so bad, but they didn't talk to me either. I ate by myself most days. I brought a book sometimes. I even.. I'm ashamed to admit this.. I ate in the bathroom atleast twice. Total Mean Girls style. Yes, it's very sad. You can cry now.

.................................................

Finished? Okay good. Now this post isn't to dwell on my sad life my junior year of high school; I am confident in myself now and who I am. I don't even know that girl who didn't know how to make friends (I mean really?! What was I doing??). She is far removed from me, most of the time. I still have a hard time eating alone. Whatever. Anyways... I'm not writing to talk about my new found confidence either. I'm writing to high school girls everywhere ( I guess this can apply to boys too, but I don't understand you as much, so.. Good luck with that). So, if you're reading this and you're a high school girl, please keep reading. Or don't. I'm gonna give you some advice, and it might be dumb, but I feel like I need to say it. Here goes.

1. What you wear is not important. I know, I know. I like cool things too. When everyone around me had Chacos, I had to get some too. I used the fact that I was going to Uganda as an excuse to get them, and I got em. And yes, I really really want a pair of lace up boots too. You know, the cute ones that you can wear with wool socks and your skinnies?? SO COOL. I also totally want one of those cute little backpacks that look like you're going on an adventure. Absolutely no back support, but so adorable. I know all these things seem so important right now, and I don't think it's bad to want cute stuff. However, if you find yourself becoming jealous or envious of girls' things that you don't have, you have a problem. Getting upset over those cute lace up boots isn't worth it, and they're probably going to be out of style by next winter. Then what are you gonna do? Have to get the next thing, that's what. No. Stop. Focus on things that aren't temporary: friends, family, the ACT (I promise, it matters more than most things).. the list goes on and on.

2. If you don't take a picture of you and your friend hanging out, did it really happen? Yes, yes it did. Don't use every moment as an oppurtunity for your insta followers to see what you did, or what you wore, or who you were with. Just enjoy the time you have with your friend. You could be wasting important time by posting that insta or sending that tweet. It can wait. Or it can just not happen. That too. Hear me out, I'm not trying to be that weirdo person who hates social media. I LOVE IT. More than you, probably. And I know that's what instagram is for, to let people know what you're doing. But every moment? No. And I know that I have wasted time with my friends by browsing twitter or facebook instead of actually talking to them or listening to them. And I hate that I do that. I'm trying to be better at just being with people. You should try it too.

3. I know it may seem super cool to be the girl who only hangs out with guys. I agree with you, it seems super cool and I always wished I was you. But you know what? Girls need girls. I have great guy friends and I'm so thankful for them, but if I was with them all the time and didn't have my gal pals, I would completely go insane. Just no. And I know you must feel that way too. Boys are exhausting and don't really understand everything you're going through right now. Other girls do. If you don't have any gal pals, go get some. Seriously. This is not a drill.

4. Being mean never looked good on anyone. It's so easy to be mean now that we have texting, twitter, screenshotting, etc.. You can say anything to anyone that you would never dream of saying to their face, and you don't have to worry about how it hurt them. You can't see them. You can't see how they react. And contrary to popular opinion, words CAN hurt you. A lot. It hurts when someone makes fun of the way you dress. It hurts when someone talks about you behind your back. And it's embarrassing.
I don't care if all your friends talk about is other people. Don't join them. Find new friends.

5. Read your Bible. Yeah yeah yeah, I said it. But it's the truth. I barely picked up my Bible in high school, and I think a lot of my problems could have been solved if instead of complaining to God about how much my life sucked, I just read what he had already written to me. I can't stress this enough. It doesn't have to become a thing that you do simply because you have to. God knows your heart even before you bare it all to Him. He doesn't need your permission to know your life story; He knows it whether you like it or not. I think He just wants you to want Him in on the whole thing.

If all of this sounds typical, it's cause it is. Lots of people have said these things before me, and I'm sure lots more people will say them later. And if you don't think any of this applies to you, then great. You get an A+.


Oh, and one more thing. If you happen to be in your schools' cafeteria tomorrow, and someone is eating alone, invite them to sit with you. I promise they won't think you're weird. They will definitely be super embarassed and may even say no because they want you to think that they don't mind eating alone, but it doesn't hurt to ask.

-Ashley

Take Heart.

You know, I still question God. For example, when my friends are getting engaged and I haven't even had a date in my life.. Or maybe it's when I see that freshmen start dating and falling in love and I still haven't had a date. That one's a killer. Or when my friends have plans for after graduation and I'm still wondering how I'm really gonna use my major. Anyway, I question God. A lot.

Like this: "Why have I gone four years without a date? Why don't I already have a job lined up for after graduation? Why am I not already married? Why aren't you planning my life the way I want it, God?"
It sucks to not have life go the way you wanted it. It sometimes sucks that I'm still single. It kinda sucks that I don't know what I want to do with my life. And it definitely sucks that other people my age have all of that figured out. They're already havin kids and making a living while I watch youtube videos and live on McDonald's dollar menu and try to plan the rest of my life. Sometimes, all of this sucks.

But, then I think of how God has been completely sovereign in everything. My life is a TREASURE to Him, He says it! In Deuteronomy, the Israelites are giving up offerings to the Lord and it says that He called His people His treasured possessions. I know that was for the Israelites, but clearly we are treasured by God. He created us. He knows every little thing about us, and still wants us. I'm pretty sure He wouldn't have done all that if he didn't atleast like us.

If God treasures me, He must want the best for me, right? So what He's doing in my life must be what I need, right?
But seriously God, you WANT me to go through all of college without one single date?!
You want me to be unsure of the future?
You want me to eat off the McDonald's dollar menu? (Okay, that one's a stretch..)

All I can hear Him say is

"Yes."
"Yes, I want you to be single right now. I need your heart and attention right now, way more than any boy will ever need it. When the right one comes along, I'll let you know."
"Yes, I need you to be unsure of the future. That means you will need to lean on me, which is what you should be doing anyway. Depend on me, follow me, and I will lead you where you need to go."

-Also, I hear, "NO. QUIT eating McDonald's.", but that's another blog post entirely.-

So.. If you're like me and can't seem to figure life out, remember that you are NOT the only one, which is usually my problem. I tend to think I'm the only person who goes through this stuff, but I'm not. And neither are you. Remember that God has it planned. Get to know Him, ask Him what He wants from you. Sometimes it's best to be still and just listen.

Jeremiah 29:13
"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

If you're like me and you're not sure what you're gonna do after graduation, pray. Pray for the right opportunity to come along. Google stuff. Be open and flexible to opportunities. There's a big world out there, explore it.

If you're like me and are still wondering why you are sitting in your room eating cookies and pinteresting while other girls are in the dorm lobby snuggling with their boyfriend, take heart my friend. ENJOY your carefree single time, seriously.
                   
                       1. Wear sweatpants as much as possible.
                       2. Have dance parties in your room to One Direction with your friends.
                       3. Dress up cute for class just because, not to impress a boy.
                       4. Watch youtube videos for an hour and pretend like you were productive. (Just not proposal videos.. You won't feel very "YAY singleness" after that.)
                       5. Make funny videos with your friends.
                       6. Laugh at yourself.
                       7. Laugh at other people.
                       8. Enjoy your loneliness; it's a great opportunity for Jesus to be
the center of your attention.
                       9. Cry when you need to; it's good for you, I promise.
                      10. Love every moment and every person; remember these famous words:
                        "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

I don't have all the answers.

So, I have been meaning to blog for a VERY long time.. It just kept getting away from me. And not that you guys were sitting at your computers, staring at the blogger screen, waiting for me to post, but blogging has to be done. It's like something I needed all along to keep my sanity, but never figured it out until this summer. Anyways...

There are lots of things that I want to say. Lots of things that I need to say, for myself. Lots of things that the Lord has put on my heart since the last time I blogged. If I put everything I was thinking and feeling, you would not want to read it. It would be ten pages long of everything in my heart. You can just come talk to me if you want that. Here, I am going to talk about something that has been on my heart.. For a long time, and especially here recently. Friendship.

Friendship is such an overly talked about word. It's almost to the point where people feel like they have it figured out, and they don't want to talk about it anymore. Well I don't have it figured out, and I do want to talk about it, so I'm going to. You can stop reading now if you DO have it all figured out.

I always wanted to be the "advice friend". You know those people; the ones you can always go to when you need to know what your next move should be, or when you need a second opinion. They always know just the right advice to give, they always know just what to say to give you confidence. I wanted to be this kind of friend so bad. I wanted people to be able to come to me and talk, and I wanted to have all the answers. Well, people came to me. They still come to me. And I listen, oh boy do I listen. I have that part down to a science. When they want answers though, I got nothin. Seriously. Most of the time I ask great questions but then I'm just like, "Yeah, I totally understand.. That's crazy.. I just have no idea what I would do in that situation.." Stuff like that.

I WANT to give answers. SO badly. But you know what? I'm not good at that. And not everyone is. But you know what else? There are lots of different types of friends; we all know this, but we don't know that we know that until we think about it. Really, think about it though. You have those "advice friends"; you have those "listen to anything you say" friends; you have those "make you laugh til you cry" friends; you have those best friends who are little bit of everything. (These may not be the kind of friendships you have, but they're the ones I am blessed to have; it can vary with each person.)

Like I said, I want to give answers. I want to help all my friends who are hurting. I want to look at each of my friends and say just the right words that they need to hear. The right words to help them get through whatever they are going through. I want to save the world from hurt; from hunger; from sadness; from loss. But I can't. And I never will.

So, if you're like me and want to be able to give all the answers to everyone; if you're like me and want to help everyone; if you're like me and you want to save everyone, listen to this:
Jesus is the only one who can save. Jesus is the only one who can help everyone. Jesus is the only one with ALL the answers.

Psalm 121:1-2
       "I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth."

Psalm 33:16-17;20-22
       "The king is not saved by his great army; a warrior is not delivered by his great strength. The war horse is a false hope for salvation, and by its great might it cannot rescue... Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you."

Go thank Jesus for being everything you need. Then go figure out what kind of friend of you are, and be the best you can be at it. Seriously.

Love. That's it.

It's been a few days since I left GSF. 5 to be exact. I am sitting at home, on my couch, on extremely fast internet, and feeling the cool from the air conditioning. It's weird to be here in my house and not running around GSF saying hello to people, doing work, going to Bible Study, hanging out with little African children all day. It's weird. I knew it would be hard to leave GSF and Uganda.. God taught me so much this summer. He brought me to so many places in my own heart that I didn't know existed. Some good things, some feelings and desires that I didn't know I know I had. Some bad things, some weaknesses that I didn't realize I had. Through everything though, I learned.

I learned that real honest love doesn't know smell, or color, or money, or anything like that. I learned that we should all love the way a child does; easily and totally. We should love like a child does because a child loves the way Jesus does. He loves each of us, even though our thoughts and actions and everything about us is wrong. He loves people that we think we can't love; the people that bother us or make us angry, He loves them just as much as He loves us. If we tried to model the love of Jesus, I think we would try to love a whole lot more, and a whole lot easier. By easier I mean unconditionally.

As we pulled away from GSF last Thursday, tears were pouring from my eyes. I felt so strange; I was ready to see my family and friends at home, but I genuinely was upset about leaving. My heart was hurting, and my stomach was in knots. I felt like I was leaving a piece of my heart in Uganda, and I realized that's exactly what I was doing. I was leaving a piece of my heart. But it's not one of those times where you give part of your heart away and you can never get it back. It's almost like the piece of my heart that's missing will be filled with the love that Jesus has given me. As long as I continue to love people, that place in my heart will be filled. And that love grows bigger and bigger until the place in my heart is not only filled, but my heart is bigger than before.

That's what real love does. It doesn't take parts of your heart away and keep them forever. It gives you more room to love even bigger and better than you did before. That love can only come from Jesus.

Spilling my Heart

Have you ever felt torn between things? Like you love both, and you want to do both things, or be in both places at once? That's how I have felt these past few days. Even before going into this summer, I knew it was inevitable; I was going to miss GSF and Uganda so much and not want to come home. But what I didn't expect was to feel torn. I genuinely want to be home, and I genuinely want to be here. I didn't expect to want to be at home at all, but I do. I feel like part of my heart is there, and it is. I have so many people that I love back home, and I know that my ministry is not yet finished at school and at church. That's why these last days are so difficult for me.. I want to go home, but I feel bad for wanting to be home when I have had such an amazing summer. I want to be here and I don't want to leave these precious children.  My head and heart are BEYOND confused right now..

I also am struggling with the whole "called" thing. I know that I am called to be a disciple of Jesus and I will always do His work, that's not the issue. The issue is where. So many people know exactly where they want to be in life, and they go. Some people are called to Africa, and they feel incomplete when they think of living somewhere else. Some people are called to America, and feel led to stay and minister there. I have never felt that specific call to a place. I have always wanted it, but just never had it. I love the whole world, and I can't pick a place over all the others. I love being in the States because I feel like there is so much ministering needed there, but I also love living overseas and experiencing other cultures. So... What am I supposed to do?

Like I said, my head and heart are confused right now.

Over and over again, I am encouraged to just walk with Christ and not worry about where and when He is going to send me. He has it all planned out, and knows exactly what my life will look like in a year, or 5 years, or 10 years, and even 50 years. I don't have to worry (even though I probably will- worrying is my worst habit) because God has me in His hands. That's a nice place to be.

I am trying to use these last 10 days in Uganda as a reflection on who I am as a Christ-follower. Am I looking at the world thinking I can change it, or am I relying on Jesus and knowing that everything is His doing, not mine? Am I really loving others around me, or am I just being kind because I want to win their approval? Am I depending on Christ and His word for my daily satisfaction? The answer isn't always positive to these questions; I am a total failure sometimes.. Okay, most of the time. But I am reminded everyday of these words...

"I am a sinner. If it's not one thing it's another, caught up in words, tangled in lies. You are The Savior and you take brokenness aside, and make it beautiful." -Brokenness Aside by All Sons and Daughters