You'll thank me later.

Here's the thing: I've been single for a long time. 23 years, to be exact (I mean, can we really count ages 0 to 15? No. I don't think so. But you get the point). I am fully aware of this fact about me. I know that I have been on exactly 2 dates in my entire life. I know that I'm not getting any younger. I know that there aren't many boyfriend possibilities in the place that I choose to live. I am aware of all these things.

And I bet you are too, single girl. I think maybe, sometimes, you even dwell on it, just hopefully not all the time. You sit alone, soak in the good's and bad's, cry, laugh, eat, and run, allll while thinking about this one thing about you. This one thing that doesn't define you, but often times, the world makes it feel like it does. But it doesn't define you. And you know that, too, deep down inside.

Maybe you've had boyfriends before. Maybe you've had lots, and you just feel like now is not the time to do that. You want to focus on other things, like: paying bills, keeping up with friends, cleaning your apartment, transitioning your wardrobe from college student to professional, working, learning; you know, all the important stuff.

Maybe you've gone on dates with a few different guys, but you never felt like there could be something more with any of them. And maybe that has turned you off to dating in general.

Maybe you had a really bad experience with a serious boyfriend, and you're afraid that if you dated again, it might turn out the same way. Maybe you don't trust your own judgment, sometimes.

Or, maybe you're like me and just honestly have no clue. About any of it. You've never had a boyfriend, so you don't even know what that's like, and it kind of freaks you out to even think about the possibility. You know you're a pretty normal, easy-going person, and you aren't totally sure why you haven't had a boyfriend yet, but you're almost thankful because, like I said, it freaks you out a bit. 

However... This post isn't for you, friend. I love to write to you; I want to laugh and cry with you; I want to hug you, talk with you, eat with you, and hear your story. But, I felt at this moment, that you aren't who I need to address. The people you are surrounding yourself with, that's who need to hear this. 

Dear friends/family/acquaintances/Facebook friends/whoever else,

This one's for you. 

These girls know they're single, but do you know that they know?(cue "Friends" scene here) Do you really acknowledge that the single girls in your life know that they are single? That they are aware of this part of their life?

They don't need you to tell them that it's going to be okay. They don't need you to tell them that "they will find a man someday." They don't want you to say "I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend. I really don't understand it, you are the coolest." (That one is a personal favorite. Contrary to popular belief, it's not encouraging.) They probably don't even want you to say "Well, I'm praying that you will find a Godly man! I just want you to be happy!" Gasp! Could it be that they are already happy, and finding a Godly man wouldn't necessarily make them happier at this point in their life? Btdubs, these are all real things people have said. Either to me, or my friends. Fo real.

Seriously though, too many times, I am disappointed in the way I hear families and friends talk to and about the single girls in their lives.

Although I don't think I have to deal with this as much as others I've spoken with, occasionally I will hear: "So, Ashley, have you found a man yet? Are there any guys where you live? Are you looking? Are you trying to look?".................And the list goes on and on. My sister, who is also single, told me about a time when she felt bombarded by questions. When I spoke with her later about it, she said this, "I just don't want people to see it as a negative thing. I am happy with how my life is right now, and yeah it's hard sometimes, but I like where I'm at and I want everyone else to understand that."

It's my belief that what Hillary was expressing was the right way to view her singleness. This may not be the way a lot of single girls feel, but constantly questioning them like that is not going to get them to that point of contentment. Single girls are going to continue to question this time in their life, just like you are questioning it for them. It won't help them; it will only hurt.

This observation of mine is not at all meant to hurt you, or be hateful. I don't believe that anyone is discouraging single girls on purpose, or asking them questions with the intent of hurting them. I truly believe that you are being thoughtful and wanting to encourage, wanting to help, and maybe wanting to offer free advice. And honestly, I don't blame you. Our culture places such high value on having a significant other, and even I get caught up in that. (Like seriously, 15 yr olds are getting promise rings and saying I love you, and it bothers me. I get JEALOUS of 15 yr olds. Ugh.) The point is, sometimes your "helping" is actually hurting.

So what can you do, you ask? I'll tell ya. You can ask that single girl about things other than her singleness. Ask her about what Jesus is teaching her. (If she doesn't know Jesus, that's her first problem and you should start there, just FYI.) Ask her about work, about school, about what she is learning, loving, reading, and watching. Ask her about her friends, ask her about her dreams, goals, and plans.

Maybe then, she will tell you her story of singleness, of lost love, of times of loneliness, of how she is learning through the situation. You will then be prepared to pray for her specifically, in ways you couldn't if you had just tried to question her.

My prayer is this: Before you jump to conclusions about why a girl is single (sometimes there just really aren't any prospects and she tries and it just doesn't work but it's okay because it doesn't matter right now she is only 23 YEARS OLD. Ahem ;)), talk to her. Talk to her. Don't talk at her. Listen before you advise. Maybe you can both learn something from each other in the process. 

With love,
     Ashley

Hey high school girl, this is for you.

Working in Admissions gives me the oppurtunity to sit in high school cafeterias, almost every week, and relive what it was like. -sidenote- I love love love my job. These are just thoughts that get brought to my attention while doing said job.

The cafeteria. It's what sticks out to me when I think of high school. I dreaded even thinking about what I was going to have to endure when I walked into the cafeteria. It was the year that my family moved back to the US, and the twin and I started at public school, in the 11th grade. I had a different lunch than my sister, and second semester, I was in a class with all freshmen (perks of having to take Mississippi Studies as a junior). I didn't have many friends at school to begin with, but that second semester? Whew. I had none in lunch with me. I sat at a table with the "weird kids," which wouldn't have been so bad, but they didn't talk to me either. I ate by myself most days. I brought a book sometimes. I even.. I'm ashamed to admit this.. I ate in the bathroom atleast twice. Total Mean Girls style. Yes, it's very sad. You can cry now.

.................................................

Finished? Okay good. Now this post isn't to dwell on my sad life my junior year of high school; I am confident in myself now and who I am. I don't even know that girl who didn't know how to make friends (I mean really?! What was I doing??). She is far removed from me, most of the time. I still have a hard time eating alone. Whatever. Anyways... I'm not writing to talk about my new found confidence either. I'm writing to high school girls everywhere ( I guess this can apply to boys too, but I don't understand you as much, so.. Good luck with that). So, if you're reading this and you're a high school girl, please keep reading. Or don't. I'm gonna give you some advice, and it might be dumb, but I feel like I need to say it. Here goes.

1. What you wear is not important. I know, I know. I like cool things too. When everyone around me had Chacos, I had to get some too. I used the fact that I was going to Uganda as an excuse to get them, and I got em. And yes, I really really want a pair of lace up boots too. You know, the cute ones that you can wear with wool socks and your skinnies?? SO COOL. I also totally want one of those cute little backpacks that look like you're going on an adventure. Absolutely no back support, but so adorable. I know all these things seem so important right now, and I don't think it's bad to want cute stuff. However, if you find yourself becoming jealous or envious of girls' things that you don't have, you have a problem. Getting upset over those cute lace up boots isn't worth it, and they're probably going to be out of style by next winter. Then what are you gonna do? Have to get the next thing, that's what. No. Stop. Focus on things that aren't temporary: friends, family, the ACT (I promise, it matters more than most things).. the list goes on and on.

2. If you don't take a picture of you and your friend hanging out, did it really happen? Yes, yes it did. Don't use every moment as an oppurtunity for your insta followers to see what you did, or what you wore, or who you were with. Just enjoy the time you have with your friend. You could be wasting important time by posting that insta or sending that tweet. It can wait. Or it can just not happen. That too. Hear me out, I'm not trying to be that weirdo person who hates social media. I LOVE IT. More than you, probably. And I know that's what instagram is for, to let people know what you're doing. But every moment? No. And I know that I have wasted time with my friends by browsing twitter or facebook instead of actually talking to them or listening to them. And I hate that I do that. I'm trying to be better at just being with people. You should try it too.

3. I know it may seem super cool to be the girl who only hangs out with guys. I agree with you, it seems super cool and I always wished I was you. But you know what? Girls need girls. I have great guy friends and I'm so thankful for them, but if I was with them all the time and didn't have my gal pals, I would completely go insane. Just no. And I know you must feel that way too. Boys are exhausting and don't really understand everything you're going through right now. Other girls do. If you don't have any gal pals, go get some. Seriously. This is not a drill.

4. Being mean never looked good on anyone. It's so easy to be mean now that we have texting, twitter, screenshotting, etc.. You can say anything to anyone that you would never dream of saying to their face, and you don't have to worry about how it hurt them. You can't see them. You can't see how they react. And contrary to popular opinion, words CAN hurt you. A lot. It hurts when someone makes fun of the way you dress. It hurts when someone talks about you behind your back. And it's embarrassing.
I don't care if all your friends talk about is other people. Don't join them. Find new friends.

5. Read your Bible. Yeah yeah yeah, I said it. But it's the truth. I barely picked up my Bible in high school, and I think a lot of my problems could have been solved if instead of complaining to God about how much my life sucked, I just read what he had already written to me. I can't stress this enough. It doesn't have to become a thing that you do simply because you have to. God knows your heart even before you bare it all to Him. He doesn't need your permission to know your life story; He knows it whether you like it or not. I think He just wants you to want Him in on the whole thing.

If all of this sounds typical, it's cause it is. Lots of people have said these things before me, and I'm sure lots more people will say them later. And if you don't think any of this applies to you, then great. You get an A+.


Oh, and one more thing. If you happen to be in your schools' cafeteria tomorrow, and someone is eating alone, invite them to sit with you. I promise they won't think you're weird. They will definitely be super embarassed and may even say no because they want you to think that they don't mind eating alone, but it doesn't hurt to ask.

-Ashley

Take Heart.

You know, I still question God. For example, when my friends are getting engaged and I haven't even had a date in my life.. Or maybe it's when I see that freshmen start dating and falling in love and I still haven't had a date. That one's a killer. Or when my friends have plans for after graduation and I'm still wondering how I'm really gonna use my major. Anyway, I question God. A lot.

Like this: "Why have I gone four years without a date? Why don't I already have a job lined up for after graduation? Why am I not already married? Why aren't you planning my life the way I want it, God?"
It sucks to not have life go the way you wanted it. It sometimes sucks that I'm still single. It kinda sucks that I don't know what I want to do with my life. And it definitely sucks that other people my age have all of that figured out. They're already havin kids and making a living while I watch youtube videos and live on McDonald's dollar menu and try to plan the rest of my life. Sometimes, all of this sucks.

But, then I think of how God has been completely sovereign in everything. My life is a TREASURE to Him, He says it! In Deuteronomy, the Israelites are giving up offerings to the Lord and it says that He called His people His treasured possessions. I know that was for the Israelites, but clearly we are treasured by God. He created us. He knows every little thing about us, and still wants us. I'm pretty sure He wouldn't have done all that if he didn't atleast like us.

If God treasures me, He must want the best for me, right? So what He's doing in my life must be what I need, right?
But seriously God, you WANT me to go through all of college without one single date?!
You want me to be unsure of the future?
You want me to eat off the McDonald's dollar menu? (Okay, that one's a stretch..)

All I can hear Him say is

"Yes."
"Yes, I want you to be single right now. I need your heart and attention right now, way more than any boy will ever need it. When the right one comes along, I'll let you know."
"Yes, I need you to be unsure of the future. That means you will need to lean on me, which is what you should be doing anyway. Depend on me, follow me, and I will lead you where you need to go."

-Also, I hear, "NO. QUIT eating McDonald's.", but that's another blog post entirely.-

So.. If you're like me and can't seem to figure life out, remember that you are NOT the only one, which is usually my problem. I tend to think I'm the only person who goes through this stuff, but I'm not. And neither are you. Remember that God has it planned. Get to know Him, ask Him what He wants from you. Sometimes it's best to be still and just listen.

Jeremiah 29:13
"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

If you're like me and you're not sure what you're gonna do after graduation, pray. Pray for the right opportunity to come along. Google stuff. Be open and flexible to opportunities. There's a big world out there, explore it.

If you're like me and are still wondering why you are sitting in your room eating cookies and pinteresting while other girls are in the dorm lobby snuggling with their boyfriend, take heart my friend. ENJOY your carefree single time, seriously.
                   
                       1. Wear sweatpants as much as possible.
                       2. Have dance parties in your room to One Direction with your friends.
                       3. Dress up cute for class just because, not to impress a boy.
                       4. Watch youtube videos for an hour and pretend like you were productive. (Just not proposal videos.. You won't feel very "YAY singleness" after that.)
                       5. Make funny videos with your friends.
                       6. Laugh at yourself.
                       7. Laugh at other people.
                       8. Enjoy your loneliness; it's a great opportunity for Jesus to be
the center of your attention.
                       9. Cry when you need to; it's good for you, I promise.
                      10. Love every moment and every person; remember these famous words:
                        "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

I don't have all the answers.

So, I have been meaning to blog for a VERY long time.. It just kept getting away from me. And not that you guys were sitting at your computers, staring at the blogger screen, waiting for me to post, but blogging has to be done. It's like something I needed all along to keep my sanity, but never figured it out until this summer. Anyways...

There are lots of things that I want to say. Lots of things that I need to say, for myself. Lots of things that the Lord has put on my heart since the last time I blogged. If I put everything I was thinking and feeling, you would not want to read it. It would be ten pages long of everything in my heart. You can just come talk to me if you want that. Here, I am going to talk about something that has been on my heart.. For a long time, and especially here recently. Friendship.

Friendship is such an overly talked about word. It's almost to the point where people feel like they have it figured out, and they don't want to talk about it anymore. Well I don't have it figured out, and I do want to talk about it, so I'm going to. You can stop reading now if you DO have it all figured out.

I always wanted to be the "advice friend". You know those people; the ones you can always go to when you need to know what your next move should be, or when you need a second opinion. They always know just the right advice to give, they always know just what to say to give you confidence. I wanted to be this kind of friend so bad. I wanted people to be able to come to me and talk, and I wanted to have all the answers. Well, people came to me. They still come to me. And I listen, oh boy do I listen. I have that part down to a science. When they want answers though, I got nothin. Seriously. Most of the time I ask great questions but then I'm just like, "Yeah, I totally understand.. That's crazy.. I just have no idea what I would do in that situation.." Stuff like that.

I WANT to give answers. SO badly. But you know what? I'm not good at that. And not everyone is. But you know what else? There are lots of different types of friends; we all know this, but we don't know that we know that until we think about it. Really, think about it though. You have those "advice friends"; you have those "listen to anything you say" friends; you have those "make you laugh til you cry" friends; you have those best friends who are little bit of everything. (These may not be the kind of friendships you have, but they're the ones I am blessed to have; it can vary with each person.)

Like I said, I want to give answers. I want to help all my friends who are hurting. I want to look at each of my friends and say just the right words that they need to hear. The right words to help them get through whatever they are going through. I want to save the world from hurt; from hunger; from sadness; from loss. But I can't. And I never will.

So, if you're like me and want to be able to give all the answers to everyone; if you're like me and want to help everyone; if you're like me and you want to save everyone, listen to this:
Jesus is the only one who can save. Jesus is the only one who can help everyone. Jesus is the only one with ALL the answers.

Psalm 121:1-2
       "I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth."

Psalm 33:16-17;20-22
       "The king is not saved by his great army; a warrior is not delivered by his great strength. The war horse is a false hope for salvation, and by its great might it cannot rescue... Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you."

Go thank Jesus for being everything you need. Then go figure out what kind of friend of you are, and be the best you can be at it. Seriously.

Love. That's it.

It's been a few days since I left GSF. 5 to be exact. I am sitting at home, on my couch, on extremely fast internet, and feeling the cool from the air conditioning. It's weird to be here in my house and not running around GSF saying hello to people, doing work, going to Bible Study, hanging out with little African children all day. It's weird. I knew it would be hard to leave GSF and Uganda.. God taught me so much this summer. He brought me to so many places in my own heart that I didn't know existed. Some good things, some feelings and desires that I didn't know I know I had. Some bad things, some weaknesses that I didn't realize I had. Through everything though, I learned.

I learned that real honest love doesn't know smell, or color, or money, or anything like that. I learned that we should all love the way a child does; easily and totally. We should love like a child does because a child loves the way Jesus does. He loves each of us, even though our thoughts and actions and everything about us is wrong. He loves people that we think we can't love; the people that bother us or make us angry, He loves them just as much as He loves us. If we tried to model the love of Jesus, I think we would try to love a whole lot more, and a whole lot easier. By easier I mean unconditionally.

As we pulled away from GSF last Thursday, tears were pouring from my eyes. I felt so strange; I was ready to see my family and friends at home, but I genuinely was upset about leaving. My heart was hurting, and my stomach was in knots. I felt like I was leaving a piece of my heart in Uganda, and I realized that's exactly what I was doing. I was leaving a piece of my heart. But it's not one of those times where you give part of your heart away and you can never get it back. It's almost like the piece of my heart that's missing will be filled with the love that Jesus has given me. As long as I continue to love people, that place in my heart will be filled. And that love grows bigger and bigger until the place in my heart is not only filled, but my heart is bigger than before.

That's what real love does. It doesn't take parts of your heart away and keep them forever. It gives you more room to love even bigger and better than you did before. That love can only come from Jesus.

Spilling my Heart

Have you ever felt torn between things? Like you love both, and you want to do both things, or be in both places at once? That's how I have felt these past few days. Even before going into this summer, I knew it was inevitable; I was going to miss GSF and Uganda so much and not want to come home. But what I didn't expect was to feel torn. I genuinely want to be home, and I genuinely want to be here. I didn't expect to want to be at home at all, but I do. I feel like part of my heart is there, and it is. I have so many people that I love back home, and I know that my ministry is not yet finished at school and at church. That's why these last days are so difficult for me.. I want to go home, but I feel bad for wanting to be home when I have had such an amazing summer. I want to be here and I don't want to leave these precious children.  My head and heart are BEYOND confused right now..

I also am struggling with the whole "called" thing. I know that I am called to be a disciple of Jesus and I will always do His work, that's not the issue. The issue is where. So many people know exactly where they want to be in life, and they go. Some people are called to Africa, and they feel incomplete when they think of living somewhere else. Some people are called to America, and feel led to stay and minister there. I have never felt that specific call to a place. I have always wanted it, but just never had it. I love the whole world, and I can't pick a place over all the others. I love being in the States because I feel like there is so much ministering needed there, but I also love living overseas and experiencing other cultures. So... What am I supposed to do?

Like I said, my head and heart are confused right now.

Over and over again, I am encouraged to just walk with Christ and not worry about where and when He is going to send me. He has it all planned out, and knows exactly what my life will look like in a year, or 5 years, or 10 years, and even 50 years. I don't have to worry (even though I probably will- worrying is my worst habit) because God has me in His hands. That's a nice place to be.

I am trying to use these last 10 days in Uganda as a reflection on who I am as a Christ-follower. Am I looking at the world thinking I can change it, or am I relying on Jesus and knowing that everything is His doing, not mine? Am I really loving others around me, or am I just being kind because I want to win their approval? Am I depending on Christ and His word for my daily satisfaction? The answer isn't always positive to these questions; I am a total failure sometimes.. Okay, most of the time. But I am reminded everyday of these words...

"I am a sinner. If it's not one thing it's another, caught up in words, tangled in lies. You are The Savior and you take brokenness aside, and make it beautiful." -Brokenness Aside by All Sons and Daughters

"Your love is better than life."

I use to think of myself as a pretty patient person. I’m flexible in difficult situations, I’m pretty easygoing. Africa has taught me –well, Jesus has- but through Africa, He has taught me that I am not a patient person, and anytime I need patience, it isn’t going to come from me but only from Him.

It was after lunch on a Sunday afternoon, and I had just taken a shower. Usually on  Sunday afternoons we (all the kids and us) all pack into the living room of House 4A and watch a movie. I sit on the floor because the backless benches hurt my back after half an hour, even though the floor isn’t much more comfortable. I sit down, and 3 kids are already laying on me, smelly from playing outside. So by this point, I’m already thinking about how I wasted the shower I just took, which as a side note, was a cold shower. Next thing I know, I have been drooled on for an hour, sneezed on, had my hair pulled, and my back hurts from sitting hunched over on the floor. I was starting to get really annoyed, I mean like really, and I wanted to leave the room. I think I even told myself that I was going to leave if Matthew drooled on me again.

Then, I heard Jesus voice, even in the midst of this now humorous situation. “You have been trying to love these children, these people, this place, with your own love. This is impossible. Only through me can you love them, and that goes for the people back home too.” I was completely struck by this.

Too often I try to love through my own power and strength, and it is impossible. This seems to be a reoccurring thing God is teaching me, so I want to repeat it for you to hear too. You may already have this lesson down, God doesn’t teach us all the same lesson at the same time, but I need to hear it. I need to read it. I need to say it, again. And again. And probably again.

I can do nothing apart from Christ.

Especially love. God is love, so how could we love without Him?

I just finished reading “The Hiding Place” by Corrie Ten Boom. As I was reading it, God showed me this lesson of love. Corrie was so impacted by her sister Betsie’s love and immediate thoughts of Jesus and other people before herself. It turned their nightmare Holocaust experience into a deepening relationship with Jesus Christ. I had read a verse Sunday morning that was just completely random, but as I finished “The Hiding Place”, I realized that it went so well with what I was reading and learning.

Psalm 119:87-88

            “They have almost made an end of me on earth, but I have not forsaken your precepts. In your steadfast love give me life, that I may keep the testimonies of your mouth.”

Now, the drool, the sneezes, and the smell are nothing in comparison to what David was experiencing in this chapter, and they are nothing in comparison to what Corrie and Betsie experienced, but it’s the same lesson. Corrie says in one of the last chapters that she had to learn that no transformation and no strength could come from her, but only from God. And when she needed the power to forgive her persecutors, she couldn’t do it. It had to come from God. She said, “And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.”

The only way I can glorify God is through forgetting myself and loving His way. God promises us that He will lift us up and make us powerful, but we have to trust in Him first.

God’s love is powerful, let it fill you and drive you in whatever you do in life.

1 John 4:7-8

            “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

John 13:34-35

            “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

John 15:5

            “I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, it is he that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”

Philippians 4:19

            “And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”