I don't have all the answers.

So, I have been meaning to blog for a VERY long time.. It just kept getting away from me. And not that you guys were sitting at your computers, staring at the blogger screen, waiting for me to post, but blogging has to be done. It's like something I needed all along to keep my sanity, but never figured it out until this summer. Anyways...

There are lots of things that I want to say. Lots of things that I need to say, for myself. Lots of things that the Lord has put on my heart since the last time I blogged. If I put everything I was thinking and feeling, you would not want to read it. It would be ten pages long of everything in my heart. You can just come talk to me if you want that. Here, I am going to talk about something that has been on my heart.. For a long time, and especially here recently. Friendship.

Friendship is such an overly talked about word. It's almost to the point where people feel like they have it figured out, and they don't want to talk about it anymore. Well I don't have it figured out, and I do want to talk about it, so I'm going to. You can stop reading now if you DO have it all figured out.

I always wanted to be the "advice friend". You know those people; the ones you can always go to when you need to know what your next move should be, or when you need a second opinion. They always know just the right advice to give, they always know just what to say to give you confidence. I wanted to be this kind of friend so bad. I wanted people to be able to come to me and talk, and I wanted to have all the answers. Well, people came to me. They still come to me. And I listen, oh boy do I listen. I have that part down to a science. When they want answers though, I got nothin. Seriously. Most of the time I ask great questions but then I'm just like, "Yeah, I totally understand.. That's crazy.. I just have no idea what I would do in that situation.." Stuff like that.

I WANT to give answers. SO badly. But you know what? I'm not good at that. And not everyone is. But you know what else? There are lots of different types of friends; we all know this, but we don't know that we know that until we think about it. Really, think about it though. You have those "advice friends"; you have those "listen to anything you say" friends; you have those "make you laugh til you cry" friends; you have those best friends who are little bit of everything. (These may not be the kind of friendships you have, but they're the ones I am blessed to have; it can vary with each person.)

Like I said, I want to give answers. I want to help all my friends who are hurting. I want to look at each of my friends and say just the right words that they need to hear. The right words to help them get through whatever they are going through. I want to save the world from hurt; from hunger; from sadness; from loss. But I can't. And I never will.

So, if you're like me and want to be able to give all the answers to everyone; if you're like me and want to help everyone; if you're like me and you want to save everyone, listen to this:
Jesus is the only one who can save. Jesus is the only one who can help everyone. Jesus is the only one with ALL the answers.

Psalm 121:1-2
       "I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth."

Psalm 33:16-17;20-22
       "The king is not saved by his great army; a warrior is not delivered by his great strength. The war horse is a false hope for salvation, and by its great might it cannot rescue... Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you."

Go thank Jesus for being everything you need. Then go figure out what kind of friend of you are, and be the best you can be at it. Seriously.

Love. That's it.

It's been a few days since I left GSF. 5 to be exact. I am sitting at home, on my couch, on extremely fast internet, and feeling the cool from the air conditioning. It's weird to be here in my house and not running around GSF saying hello to people, doing work, going to Bible Study, hanging out with little African children all day. It's weird. I knew it would be hard to leave GSF and Uganda.. God taught me so much this summer. He brought me to so many places in my own heart that I didn't know existed. Some good things, some feelings and desires that I didn't know I know I had. Some bad things, some weaknesses that I didn't realize I had. Through everything though, I learned.

I learned that real honest love doesn't know smell, or color, or money, or anything like that. I learned that we should all love the way a child does; easily and totally. We should love like a child does because a child loves the way Jesus does. He loves each of us, even though our thoughts and actions and everything about us is wrong. He loves people that we think we can't love; the people that bother us or make us angry, He loves them just as much as He loves us. If we tried to model the love of Jesus, I think we would try to love a whole lot more, and a whole lot easier. By easier I mean unconditionally.

As we pulled away from GSF last Thursday, tears were pouring from my eyes. I felt so strange; I was ready to see my family and friends at home, but I genuinely was upset about leaving. My heart was hurting, and my stomach was in knots. I felt like I was leaving a piece of my heart in Uganda, and I realized that's exactly what I was doing. I was leaving a piece of my heart. But it's not one of those times where you give part of your heart away and you can never get it back. It's almost like the piece of my heart that's missing will be filled with the love that Jesus has given me. As long as I continue to love people, that place in my heart will be filled. And that love grows bigger and bigger until the place in my heart is not only filled, but my heart is bigger than before.

That's what real love does. It doesn't take parts of your heart away and keep them forever. It gives you more room to love even bigger and better than you did before. That love can only come from Jesus.

Spilling my Heart

Have you ever felt torn between things? Like you love both, and you want to do both things, or be in both places at once? That's how I have felt these past few days. Even before going into this summer, I knew it was inevitable; I was going to miss GSF and Uganda so much and not want to come home. But what I didn't expect was to feel torn. I genuinely want to be home, and I genuinely want to be here. I didn't expect to want to be at home at all, but I do. I feel like part of my heart is there, and it is. I have so many people that I love back home, and I know that my ministry is not yet finished at school and at church. That's why these last days are so difficult for me.. I want to go home, but I feel bad for wanting to be home when I have had such an amazing summer. I want to be here and I don't want to leave these precious children.  My head and heart are BEYOND confused right now..

I also am struggling with the whole "called" thing. I know that I am called to be a disciple of Jesus and I will always do His work, that's not the issue. The issue is where. So many people know exactly where they want to be in life, and they go. Some people are called to Africa, and they feel incomplete when they think of living somewhere else. Some people are called to America, and feel led to stay and minister there. I have never felt that specific call to a place. I have always wanted it, but just never had it. I love the whole world, and I can't pick a place over all the others. I love being in the States because I feel like there is so much ministering needed there, but I also love living overseas and experiencing other cultures. So... What am I supposed to do?

Like I said, my head and heart are confused right now.

Over and over again, I am encouraged to just walk with Christ and not worry about where and when He is going to send me. He has it all planned out, and knows exactly what my life will look like in a year, or 5 years, or 10 years, and even 50 years. I don't have to worry (even though I probably will- worrying is my worst habit) because God has me in His hands. That's a nice place to be.

I am trying to use these last 10 days in Uganda as a reflection on who I am as a Christ-follower. Am I looking at the world thinking I can change it, or am I relying on Jesus and knowing that everything is His doing, not mine? Am I really loving others around me, or am I just being kind because I want to win their approval? Am I depending on Christ and His word for my daily satisfaction? The answer isn't always positive to these questions; I am a total failure sometimes.. Okay, most of the time. But I am reminded everyday of these words...

"I am a sinner. If it's not one thing it's another, caught up in words, tangled in lies. You are The Savior and you take brokenness aside, and make it beautiful." -Brokenness Aside by All Sons and Daughters

"Your love is better than life."

I use to think of myself as a pretty patient person. I’m flexible in difficult situations, I’m pretty easygoing. Africa has taught me –well, Jesus has- but through Africa, He has taught me that I am not a patient person, and anytime I need patience, it isn’t going to come from me but only from Him.

It was after lunch on a Sunday afternoon, and I had just taken a shower. Usually on  Sunday afternoons we (all the kids and us) all pack into the living room of House 4A and watch a movie. I sit on the floor because the backless benches hurt my back after half an hour, even though the floor isn’t much more comfortable. I sit down, and 3 kids are already laying on me, smelly from playing outside. So by this point, I’m already thinking about how I wasted the shower I just took, which as a side note, was a cold shower. Next thing I know, I have been drooled on for an hour, sneezed on, had my hair pulled, and my back hurts from sitting hunched over on the floor. I was starting to get really annoyed, I mean like really, and I wanted to leave the room. I think I even told myself that I was going to leave if Matthew drooled on me again.

Then, I heard Jesus voice, even in the midst of this now humorous situation. “You have been trying to love these children, these people, this place, with your own love. This is impossible. Only through me can you love them, and that goes for the people back home too.” I was completely struck by this.

Too often I try to love through my own power and strength, and it is impossible. This seems to be a reoccurring thing God is teaching me, so I want to repeat it for you to hear too. You may already have this lesson down, God doesn’t teach us all the same lesson at the same time, but I need to hear it. I need to read it. I need to say it, again. And again. And probably again.

I can do nothing apart from Christ.

Especially love. God is love, so how could we love without Him?

I just finished reading “The Hiding Place” by Corrie Ten Boom. As I was reading it, God showed me this lesson of love. Corrie was so impacted by her sister Betsie’s love and immediate thoughts of Jesus and other people before herself. It turned their nightmare Holocaust experience into a deepening relationship with Jesus Christ. I had read a verse Sunday morning that was just completely random, but as I finished “The Hiding Place”, I realized that it went so well with what I was reading and learning.

Psalm 119:87-88

            “They have almost made an end of me on earth, but I have not forsaken your precepts. In your steadfast love give me life, that I may keep the testimonies of your mouth.”

Now, the drool, the sneezes, and the smell are nothing in comparison to what David was experiencing in this chapter, and they are nothing in comparison to what Corrie and Betsie experienced, but it’s the same lesson. Corrie says in one of the last chapters that she had to learn that no transformation and no strength could come from her, but only from God. And when she needed the power to forgive her persecutors, she couldn’t do it. It had to come from God. She said, “And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.”

The only way I can glorify God is through forgetting myself and loving His way. God promises us that He will lift us up and make us powerful, but we have to trust in Him first.

God’s love is powerful, let it fill you and drive you in whatever you do in life.

1 John 4:7-8

            “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

John 13:34-35

            “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

John 15:5

            “I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, it is he that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”

Philippians 4:19

            “And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”

It's not about me.

It’s cool how God can teach us things through circumstances in our life, when we aren’t expecting it. Those are my favorite.

I got to help at the monthly feeding program for the elderly at GSF yesterday. They have a weekly feeding program for mothers and their babies, and one every month for the elderly in the surrounding villages. I wasn’t expecting to get to do a lot, but I was handed a cup and told to scoop two cups full of the sugar that was in front of me, and pour it into each person’s bag. Not difficult, right? Well, this was one of those times when God wanted to teach me something and I was not prepared.

I was on my knees scooping the sugar, and the first person who passed through was a little old woman who looked like she could barely walk. They scooped her beans, and then it was my turn. She looked at me after I scooped her sugar and she said thank you, thank you and took my hand. I said your welcome (in my probably heavy accented and broken Luganda) and I had tears in my eyes when I looked at her. It was the same with every person after that. Thank you, thank you. Your welcome. Tears.

Each of these people walked (which isn’t a short distance, especially when your 70 years old), all the way to GSF for some beans, sugar, salt, posho flour, soap, and matches. Compared to my family’s shopping cart back home during the week, it was nothing. I wanted to keep scooping, to give them each more and more, but I knew everyone needed it and there wouldn’t be enough. Each time they said thank you, I wanted to say, “Don’t thank me, I’m just scooping sugar. I am no one important.” But I just said your welcome, and they continued to thank me, and thank me some more.

Now I know it is cliché to some people to learn gratefulness on a mission trip. I use to think, “Duh, of course you’re going to learn gratefulness. America=abundance. A lot of the world=not enough to live on.” And I saw that lesson as a cliché lesson too. But I think we forget sometimes how crucial that lesson is for each of our lives. I am blessed in the situation that I grew up in and that I now live in. I have everything I need, and I take it for granted. I tend to look at my being blessed, and think to myself, “What a great life. I did good.” But when did I ever do anything that caused me to be blessed? I didn’t. That’s the answer. God did.

I will always wonder why God put certain people in difficult living situations, and why I am in such a good one. But what I never want to forget or not realize is that every good thing I have or will ever have, and every good thing I do or will ever do, comes from God. I can do nothing, I can be nothing, I can have nothing without Him.

That’s the unexpected lesson that I learned through scooping sugar. I tried to show a little love, just by scooping sugar, and the little old woman was more than grateful. God shows us his love 100 times more than just a scoop- He pours out His love on us, like pouring the entire bag of sugar, and we walk away thinking, “What a good job I am doing in this life.”

I’ve said it before, and I will say it again. This life is not about me. It’s not about you. It’s not about any of us. It is about Jesus, and coming to Him as our broken, real selves, and being made new everyday.

John 15:4-5

"Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit bu itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, it is he that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."

Fatherless.

The word “fatherless” has come up a lot in my life lately. As you already know, I am interning at a children’s home, where many kids are fatherless, so obviously I am going to hear it a lot. I overhear it in conversations, I mention it in conversations, I have heard sermons on it, and I hear children talk about how they do not know their father or their father “refused”them, as they would say.

Think about that word for a moment… What does it mean to be fatherless? For me, it means not having that special bond with the man who gave you physical life on this earth. It means wondering who that man is, what he is doing, if he is thinking about you, or if he is even alive. There are kids at GSF who ask these questions everyday, and I know there are kids and adults all over the world who ask those same questions. 8 year olds, 18 year olds, 26 year olds, and 46 year olds; Everywhere in the world there is someone of every age who is fatherless. Well, God leaves the word fatherless all over his Word; Deuteronomy 10:18 says that God “executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing.” Deuteronomy 24:19 says to not keep everything you have for yourself, but to help the sojourner, fatherless, and the widows. Psalm 68:5 says that God is “Father of the fatherless and protector of widows,” and Psalm 146:9 says that “The Lord watches over the sojourners; he upholds the widow and the fatherless...” These are just a few examples.

I think God uses the specific word fatherless because he knows that the father is such an important role in a person’s life. Not that the mother isn’t important; the relationship with the mother is crucial, but we see something different in the role of the father. God is mentioned as a father many times in the Bible. First, he created everything and everyone; second, it mentions him as father to his children. The people who believe in him and put their salvation in him, he is their father. God isn’t just their father either, but their ultimate father. I believe this is why the role of the earthly father is so important; it is supposed to demonstrate our relationship with our heavenly father.

For children like those here at GSF, it is hard to understand God’s love, because of the way their father treated them, or because he died. “My father left me, so why should I trust another Father who says he will never leave? How can I expect someone to love me that much, love me enough to die for me? My father died, how will I know that Jesus is never truly going to leave?” I struggle so much with this, because no child should ever have to ask those questions, and it leads me to brokenness and thankfulness.

I am especially thankful this summer for my earthly father. All of the things I see and hear about the word fatherless make me appreciate my dad even more. I am blessed beyond what I can express, and most of the time I take that for granted. I am also thankful for God teaching me everyday that I ultimately cannot be dependent on even my earthly father, but I must be dependent on Him. God’s grace and love are more powerful than anything my dad can show me. However, I am thankful for the Godly example of love and grace that my father tries to show everyday to me and everyone around him, and I desperately wish that every child could experience that.e

No one is truly fatherless. God is our father, if we believe in him and trust in him. In this I have hope. When people hurting makes me cry and feel hopeless, I have hope. All because of Jesus, I have hope.

Never-ending Improvement.

Sunday, June 17^th.

          We went to a meeting yesterday for the Global Outreach missionaries who live in Jinja and the surrounding villages, and we met at an Academy in Jinja. The school is right on the Nile River, and it was beautiful! We were leaving, and I saw a sign on one of the school doors that said, “The biggest room we have here is for improvement.” I don’t know who put this sign up, when it was put up, what it was for, I don’t know anything about it, but it caught my attention. At first I was like, “That’s really clever and funny.” When I started to really think about it though, I realized that those words are so true about my own life. I can always improve, I will never be getting it totally right, and I will never be perfect.

            I am human. I am not entitled to anything in this life, especially perfection, and I cannot expect others to be. I am a weak human being. My thoughts are weak, my actions are weak, my love is weak. And that’s why Jesus Christ is so beautiful. He says to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12 that His power is made perfect in Paul’s weakness. I believe God was speaking to all believers. His grace is sufficient for me, so I should boast in my weakness. God’s love, power, and grace are made perfect in my weakness. That is such a difficult thing for my mind to wrap around. God is the only strong part about our lives, and He is the only one who can give us strength, so I think we must be weak in order to see that God’s power is greater.

            Being weak is not a fun feeling, but it is humbling, and when I read 2 Corinthians 12, I feel strengthened. I am reminded of my weakness, just as Paul was, but through that, I am strong. Paul says in verse 10, “For the sake of Christ, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” This is just like what Paul talks about in Philippians 4. He says he is content in whatever situation. I pray for that everyday, that I would be content in my life no matter the situation.

            Nothing is more important than God being glorified, lifted up, and honored through our lives. That should be our daily prayer.

Empty me of myself Lord, and fill me up with more of You.

Brokenness to Joy.

Wednesday, June 13^th, 2012.

         I was unexpectedly broken today. Up until today, I just enjoyed playing with the kids and seeing their big smiles. I guess hearing all the kids’ stories and how they came to GSF became too much today. It’s so overwhelming and hurtful. I came to that point (again) where I’m like, “Why God?” Seriously, why do these awful things happen to little precious children who had no control over what happened to them. Their parents died; their dad sexually abused them; they were abandoned; they got HIV from their parents who they no longer know or communicate with. I feel helpless about all of it, and so hurt. And I know these things happen all over the world, even where I live, and I feel more helpless. I know children in the States who only live with one parent because of divorce. Some have parents who are addicted to drugs, some have parents who are in prison. I see some of them and wonder if they are actually being cared for because their clothes are tattered and they look like they have not been bathed in days. I am constantly hurt and broken by this, and I wonder why God allows all of these terrible things to happen or exist at all. But, God always reminds me of this: He loves each and everyone of them. He loves His children in Africa. He loves His children in America, in India, in Russia, in Mexico, in the places unknown to me, everywhere. He loves every single one of His creations. He cherishes them, because He created them. There is evil and hurt and wrongdoing in the world, but God lifts us up out of that hurt and calls us His children. And He lets me know that it is not my job to fix every situation, or be sad all the time because of this hurt. He is the Master, Author, Healer, and Savior, and I must trust that His plan is best, even when I cannot understand it. I don’t like feeling broken, but brokenness leads to healing in Christ, and healing leads to joy.

            My joy comes from a little Arkansas girl in Sunday school understanding that Jesus loves her and wants her to show love to the people around her; it comes from hearing a little African girl yell “Auntie Ashley!!” across the playground and running into my arms after only knowing me for 3 days. My joy comes from knowing that Jesus Christ is sovereign in every part of the world, in every part of these little girl’s lives, and in every part of my life.

“Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.” Jude, v. 24-25

“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.” 1 John 4:7-12

“And they were bringing children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, ‘Let the little children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.’ And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them.” Mark 10:13-16

So many things in such little time!

There is SO much to tell you, and it has only been 4 days in Africa! Where to begin...

Plane ride was.. eh. Haha I felt sick most of the time, so that was unpleasant, but I didn't throw up so, success! I did not get my luggage right away, so I was "that" person asking to borrow everything for the first day. I got it Sunday though, so that was good.

Saturday when we arrived at GSF (Good Shepherd's Fold), all the kids and staff greeted us with big smiles and dancing! I wish I had taken a picture, but I was just so excited and overwhelmed with smiling children that it was not possible. They had grass skirts for us to put on! So random and cool. We went to our house and set out our stuff and then just played with some of the kids.

So far we have had orientation, meetings, prayer meetings, bible studies, playtime, etc... Here are a few highlights. :)

Sunday: We danced in church. Enough said. Seriously though, praise and worship was so cool; we sang songs in English and Lugandan, and everyone was dancing and laughing and just praising Jesus. I helped with junior church, and we played Capture the Flag. Haha, apparently it's a Ugandan thing for kids to leave after the music and testimony time is over and go play. I did not actually play, but I got to sit with a few of the village girls that come to church. Their names were Pierce, Sandra, and Caro. They didn't speak much English, but we just sat and enjoyed each other's presence. The GSF girls helped me out with some Lugandan words to say to the village girls, so that was fun. I really want to learn more about the villages around the area.

Monday: We had prayer meeting with the other missionary staff, and God showed me so much. Robb Warfield, one of the missionaries here, read Psalm 33:13-22 and I was just so convicted. It talks about how God is in control all the time and we as His people cannot save ourselves.

"The king is not saved by his great army... the war horse is a false hope for salvation and by it's great might it cannot rescue... Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in Him, because we trust in His holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in You."

                I had just been feeling very inadequate about the work we will be doing here at GSF, and I hate feeling like that, but I was reminded that feeling inadequate is a good place to be. God supplies and helps and controls, not me. I was put here for a reason, so God will prepare me, but I cannot think that any of this is my doing. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
                I didn't have much work to do except for sending an email, so I got to help pass out the new clothes to all the kids! That was SO exciting and fun! Their faces lit up when they saw that they had new clothes and shoes. They get these things, but it has been about a year since they all had completely new outfits.

Tuesday: I began work on our sponsorship program here at GSF. This is my specific area for the summer, so I will be handling the letter writing from the kids to their sponsors, and getting their yearly update and current pictures sent stateside to be sent to their sponsors. Right now I am just emailing and making lists, so it's not much work, but it's fun.
                One of the things we get to do here at GSF this summer is work with a few special needs kids each. Today I took Tom, who is nonverbal, on a walk. It was hard to communicate obviously, but he listens well and he likes walks. We went down to the road and the playground and picked grass. He likes grass. I am excited to spend more time with him, and maybe a couple of other special needs kids!
                 The rest of the day was spent playing on the playground and hanging out with the kids. All of them wake up early to do chores, then they have school at 8. Some get out right before lunch, which is at 1, and some stay til later in the afternoon. Then we get to play! So fun.

One thing I did want to mention about sponsorship was this: Most of GSF's support comes from sponsorship, and we are low on sponsors. Sponsoring a child at GSF is beneficial not only to the child, but to GSF as well. I encourage you if you feel led to sponsor a child at GSF! For more information, here is the link to the sponsorship page!

That was a super long post, I apologize. Thanks for reading though, I am so honored. :) Love you all!

Here goes something..

So, I am going to start my blog with a cliche beginning.



I have never blogged before.



There, I said it. Now that's over, I will get to the point.



I am writing this blog because I am going to Africa in a week. I will be there for 2 months, and I plan to journal. However, I want people to be able to read about what I'm doing there if they want, so I thought I would make my journal into a blog. Not sure how well it's going to turn out because I tend to forget to do things. A lot. We shall see.



Here is the link to the orphanage's website that I will be interning at this summer. This place has a wonderful mission and they are helping so many people through their ministry. Check them out, and pray for them!



Hopefully I will be faithfully blogging this summer. The internet is not consistent where I will be, but when I have it, I will try my best to blog.



If you read this, thanks, yo. You're cool.